Our Story So Far:
First of all, an apology from the author. I'm sorry there was such a
delay before this installment happened. However, I make no guarantees
that the next one won't be as long. Hopefully not, because now that I
got this much typed in I want to continue. The problem is that I have not
written very much beyond this installment (only three scenes to be exact.)
Anyway, hope you enjoy this anyway.
Now the story: The Imperial Star Wars Fleet is preparing to attack another
galaxy, starting with a little blue-green planet. They are preceded by
a few hours by a small force of the Rebel Alliance. Meanwhile, Doctor Who
and his companions have just left from their meeting with the Brigadier, whom
the doctor is convinced is NOT REALLY the Brigadier. They enter their TARDIS
to discover all the alarms activated. They discover that a lot of amateur
time travelling is taking place near White Sands, New Mexico. Kirk, Spock,
Chekov, and Scotty are waiting to see Steve Austin's plane crash, but while
they are waiting, Guinan appears in Mid-air and begins falling. A phaser
blast appears right behind her, and forces Steve's plane to crash a lot worse
than it was going to in the first place. Kirk and Kyle (on the Enterprise)
manage to save the both of them from certain death. Lex Luthor chews out
Otis for doing a lousy job of impersonating Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart,
which he is obviously doing as some sort of plot of the World Crime League.
Meanwhile, Sam Beckett leaps into the body of Oscar Goldman (and not an
Indian as Ziggy had predicted he would) but it takes him a couple of scenes
to realize it. Flash, Zarkov, Dale, and Harry escape from a cell on board
War Rocket Ajax and make their way to the rocket sleds, but unbeknownst to
them (but knownst to us) Harry is still trapped in another cell on board, and
the Harry that is with them is an imposter. Riker, LaForge, and Data enter
the Guardian of Forever at pretty much the same point in the cycle as Guinan
did (they hope) but refuse to allow Worf to come along, because he is a harder
alien to hide than Spock was. Worf, in a fit of rage, follows them into the
Guardian. Sam Beckett determines that he has to meet up with some Doctor guy
to help unmess the multiverse. Al has determined that they are in a parody
of some kind (Gosh! I'm shocked.) Spin Tannen (Biff's son) has rebuilt
Doc's Time Machine into a Volare. Sam has a short run-in with Middle Aged
Man, and Worf, having jumped through the Guardian late, winds up at a
Star Trek Convention in the Eighties.
That's all there is, now enjoy.
__ __ _____ _____ ______
/ // // ___// ___// __ /
/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // / / /
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 41. Interior Shot. The Starship Enterprise's (1701-A) Meeting Room.
Sitting around the table are Capt. James T. Kirk, Cdr Spock, Scotty, McCoy,
Sulu, Uhura, and Steve Austin. Steve is no longer in his flight suit, but
wearing a borrowed Star Fleet uniform. He looks agitated.]
STEVE: So, you guys are saying I was supposed to crash land that
plane, but you saved me, and messed up your own future.
STEVE: So, why'd you bring me here?
SPOCK: You would not have survived the crash. Due to circumstances
beyond our control, history was changed, we did what we could
to salvage events.
KIRK: Speaking of outside influences, what's the word on your
McCOY: Well, we still haven't been able to get her out of her
withdrawal. All we've discovered so far is that she
appeared to prevent any altering of today's events. When
she discovered that she had herself changed events, the
paradox overwhelmed her.
KIRK: Can't you do anything for her?
McCOY: Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a relativist!
KIRK: Ok! Geesh. What about Mr. Austin here, what can we do get
his life back on track.
SPOCK: The logical answer would be for him to do what he was supposed
to have done in the first place.
STEVE: You mean, you want me to go back there and purposely crash
SPOCK: Not necessarily, we just have to duplicate the injuries.
Then the bureaucracies involved will take over, and events
will reshape themselves. A car accident, wild animal
mauling, an avalanche, just about any accident will do.
STEVE: You want me to purposely injury myself??
KIRK: Cripple actually, you need to lose the use of both of your
legs, your right arm, and your right eye.
STEVE: Whoa! Those are some major injuries there, I'm going to have
[Steve is interrupted by the Red Alert klaxon. Kirk touches a button on the
table in front of him.]
KIRK: Bridge, this is Kirk! What is it, the Romulans?
CHEKOV: (over intercom) No keptin, two ships have suddenly
appeared within the system. They cannot have originated
KIRK: I'll be right there. Mr. Austin, I suggest that you get
someplace safe. [He stands up, as do the others. They all
head out the door.]
[Scene 42. Exterior Shot. Outside Biff's Automotive Detailing Shop. Marty
McFly and Spin Tannen (Biff's son) are standing looking into the engine
of a 1977 Volare Station Wagon.]
SPIN: [looks over at Marty] You don't suppose it could still run
MARTY: No, Impossible. It...it was smashed to pieces. It couldn't
possibly still work.
SPIN: Are you sure? I mean all the pieces were there.
MARTY: Look, there's only one sure way to find out. Get in.
[Marty slams the hood and gets in the driver's side. Spin sits in the
SPIN: Where will we go?
MARTY: Well, if it does work, we're going to have to see Doc, so,
[He punches a date into the keypad.] October 10, 1885 was
the last place I saw him. Let's go.
[He pulls out, the car drives off screen, and then we hear and see the BTTF
Time Travel Effect.]
[Scene 43. Interior Shot. A completely black room. Rufus appears and
dominates the screen. He is dressed in a rather outlandih, futuristic
garb. He has a five-o'clock shadow and is balding slightly. He begins
RUFUS: Hi! Welcome to the future: San Dimas, California 2691.
I'm telling you, this place sucks. It didn't used to, you
see, 703 years ago, the two great ones...got in a little
trouble, so I had to go back in time to help them. I did,
and they had a most excellent adventure, but it seems to
have attracted a large host of invaders from several
dimensions. Today, Earth is under the rule of no less
than three tyrants. So, I have to back in time to fix the
[The scene dissolves into another interior shot--a futuristic place, with
lots of domes. Rufus continues.]
RUFUS: This is a small, but stalwart group of freedome fighters,
most of whom were travelling in history when the change
took place. Time to go.]
[Rufus stands in front of a phone booth, facing a council of three, the
Head Future Dude speaks.]
HFD: It is time.
RUFUS: [Puts shades on.] Be excellent to each other!
HFD: Party on, Dude!
[Rufus bows his head, steps back into the booth, and begins dialing. The
antenna appears and the booth disappears into the circuits of Time.]
[Scene 44. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico. The Millenium Falcon and
an X-Win Fighter have landed in the sand. Five figures and two droids mill
about. One is scanning the area with Binocs.]
[Scene Change. The sands are viewed through the field of the binoculars.
Nothing is seen for miles around. The binoculars drop.]
[Scene Change. Close view of the people mentioned earlier. Luke has let his
Binocs down from his eyes.]
LUKE: Nothing, nothing for miles around. It reminds me of Tatooine.
LANDO: Well, at least nothing's trying to kill us.
SOLO: Yet, Lando, yet.
R2-D2: Bleep, boop, whirrrrr, bleep.
C3-PO: Excuse me, sir.
SOLO: Not now, 3-PO! We're busy. Now, which way to the nearest
C3-PO: Sir, this is rather important.
LEIA: Listen to him, Han, then he'll shut up.
SOLO: [dropping the arm he was about to cuff C3-PO with] Oh, all
right, what is it?
C3-PO: R2 detects a flying vehicle coming this way.
SOLO: What?! [He snatches Luke's Binocs, which are still around his
neck, thus nearly choking Luke. He looks through them in the
given direction.] It's a flying sled of some kind. It's going
to crash! Take cover!
[Everyone dives to the ground. Moments later, the rocket sled, piloted by
Flash Gordon, and holding Dr. Zarkov, Dale, and 'Harry' crashes into a sand
dune in a cloud of dust. Luke, Leia, Solo, Lando & Chewbacca rush over to
find that those who were on the sled are fine, but the front end of the sled
has skewered Wedge. Luke rushes over to him.]
WEDGE: Luke,...get a TIE-Fighter...for me. [His eyes glaze over.]
LUKE: He's dead.
SOLO: Hell, again! How'd he get here in the first place?
[Close-up of Luke's face. His hair begins to blow around in a non-existent
wind. A blue light shines on him.]
VOICE: Plot device, Luke.
YODA'S VOICE: Joke recurring, say I.
[Luke turns to see all the dead members of his family, who have switched from
the Dark Side to the good, just before he killed them. Obi-Wan and Yoda stand
in front of them all. Ben points at Wedge and they all nod in agreement.]
BEN'S VOICE: Strecth out with your humor.
VOICE: May the Farce be with you.
[Adekin raises his hand in a Vulcan Hand Salute and all of them fade out.]
LEIA: Luke! Luke, snap out of it.
[Luke comes to. He looks at Leia.]
LEIA: You got that far away look in your eyes, like when the spirits
of your dead ancestors are bestowing wisdom. [Han spits at the
ground.] What did they say?
LUKE: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
[By now, the rocket sled crew are regaining consciousness.]
SOLO: Who are these guys?
ZARKOV: I'm Dr. Hans Zarkov, this is Flash Gordon, and this is Dale
Arden, [They nod in acknowledgement at their names.] and over
there, is the greatest scientific discovery since the hula
hoop! [He gestures at 'Harry']
SOLO: [looks incredulous] I'm sure.
FLASH: I'm sorry about your friend.
LANDO: Who, Wedge? Don't worry about it. He's died about six
times anyway. [He flashes the Billy Dee Williams Smile (tm)]
SOLO: Yeah, I've killed him twice myself.
DALE: Oh?. <-- new punctuation the '?.' represents a sort of
LEIA: Would you people happen to know where the nearest city is?
FLASH: Yeah, I saw one while we were flingy, it's about 20
miles that way. [He points.]
SOLO: Well, that's where we're headed. Let's get ready.
[They all enter the falcon.]
[Scene 45. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico at the location of Steve
Austin's crash. Technicians are still going over the wreckage. A limosine
pulls up, the driver gets out, opens the rear door, and Sam steps out. He
moves forward and Al gets out behind him. The driver closes the door through
Al and gets back in the car. Al walks after him.]
AL: I'm telling you, Sam, this is all wrong! Steve Austin
should be in recovery by now!
SAM: Well, maybe he ejected or something?
[Just then a passing technician hears him and answers.]
TECH: It's hard to be sure, most of the wreckage we've found
is too small to identify.
SAM: [looks surprised.] Oh, well, keep looking. [He smiles.]
TECH: Yes sir. [He walks off.]
AL: Sam! We have to fix this.
SAM: [Whirls around.] I know, but we haven't even located this
Doctor guy yet. Now, I'm going to check the wreckage, see
if you can locate a homing beacon from the ejector seat.
AL: OK. [He presses some buttons on Ziggy and disappears.]
[Sam moves over into the wreckage. He passes three technicians, the camera
stays with these three. They are revealed to be Data, Riker, and LaForge in
disguise. Data picks up a piece of wreckage.]
DATA: Geordi, have a look at this.
[He hands the wreckage to Geordi. LaForge turns it over and over in his
hand as he looks at it.]
LaFORGE: I don't understand.
RIKER: What is it, Mr. LaForge?
LaFORGE: Well, the molecular structure of this bit of wreckage has been
LaFORGE: The damage is consistent with a phaser burn.
DATA: As I suspected, this plane crashed because a phaser hit it.
RIKER: But, how? There's nothing like that in this century?
DATA: Lieutenant Worf did fire a phaser at Guinan.
RIKER: Well, at least we know she's around here somewhere, we just
have to find her.
DATA: I think that by crosschecking the equations and working
backward from the crash I can pinpoint her entry location.
RIKER: Good, how long?
DATA: It should not take more than seven hours.
RIKER: OK, Get to work, now let's find a place to hide.
[Scene 46. Interior Shot. Bridge of a Romulan Bird of Prey. The
emergency lighting is on and many of the screens show nothing but
static. There are two chairs at the front of the bridge, which are
positioned behind a control console. Other stations are positioned
around the fringe of the bridge. Romulans are sitting or standing at all
of the stations, yet it is obvious that the two at the front of the bridge
are the most important. The main viewscreen shows a tactical display of the
planet Earth, the Enterprise, and the Romulan craft all in fairly stationary
positions, relative to each other anyway. Although all three are rotating.
One of the Romulans at the front speaks.]
TANALAK: I think we can safely assume that the native planetary scanning
devices cannot get through our deflector screen.
CMDR SATEEN: Yes, but the Enterprise most assuredly knows our location.
COMMANDER: (over intercom) Aye Commander, what would ye be likin' to know
SATEEN: (through gritted teeth) When will the Dilithium banks be
ENG CMDR: Well, now, I couldn't be sayin' now, could I? It's not like
it's ever been done before, has it?
SATEEN: What is your bast Estimate, *Commander*!
ENG CMDR: Well, I'd have to say not less than 16 hours, Commander.
SATEEN: Fine! Sateen out. [Turns to Tanalak] Where did we get him?
TANALAK: I believe our Chief Engineer had just finished a tour in the
intelligence services. A field operative in the Federation,
SATEEN: I wish he had taken the time to lose his accent, it grates
on the nerves.
[A Sub-Unit Officer turns in his chair to report an anomaly.]
OFFICER: Commander, we are detecting more ships approaching the
SATEEN: From where?!?
OFFICER: As before, they have appeared from seemingly nowhere, although
their general orientation would indicate an origin beyond the
edge of the galaxy.
SATEEN: Damn! Where are these ships coming from?
OFFICER: Uh, Commander, there are quite a few ships approaching.
SATEEN: What? How many?
OFFICER: Several Hundred, Commander.
SATEEN: On screen!
[The tactical display dissolves into a view of the Star Wars Imperial Fleet
OFFICER: This group appeared at the systems Oort cloud and is approaching
SATEEN: (under his breath) I hate to do this. (out loud) Engineering!
ENG CMDR: Aye, sir.
SATEEN: When will impulse engines be available?
ENG CMDR: Ye can have 'em right now, Commander.
SATEEN: Thank you, Engineer. Out. Impulse Engines. Engage.
Set course for the incoming fleet.
OFFICER: Aye, sir.
TANALAK: What are you going to do?
SATEEN: Surrender the planet to them.
TANALAK: But, it is not our planet...
SATEEN: [smiles evilly] They don't know that, do they? Engage.
[Scene 47. Interior Shot. Briefing room of GI Joe Headquarters. Standing at
the front of the room are General Hawk, Duke, Sgt. Slaughter & Snake Eyes.
Pretty much the rest of the Joe Team are standing at attention, facing them.
General Hawk speaks.]
HAWK: Men, we've got a new opponent around. Cobra has joined forces
with eight other criminal and terrorist groups to form what they
call a World Crime League.
DUKE: The leaders of this league announced their existence to the
world in a pre-taped news broadcast at 0900 yesterday morning.
This broadcast followed a wave of ruthless criminal and
terrorist activities, worldwide. We've been given a new
mandate by the President. It is now our mission to stop
and disband this World Crime League. To do this we...
[An alarm klaxon sounds, red lights flash, Snake Eyes runs to a computer
console and displays a view of the outside on a screen.]
SLAUGHTER: Intruder in the compound! Battlestations!
[Everyone in the room scatters. The camera moves into focus on the telescreen.
We see World Watch One come screeching into the main view of the camera. As
it comes to a halt, four teenage mutant ninja turtles leap out, as well as
a few members of the Hong Kong Cavaliers. As the first members of the Joe
team begin to attack, the people from World Watch One fight back. After a few
minutes, Buckaroo Banzai gets on the roof of the van and fires an uzi into
the air, attracting everyone's attention.]
BUCKAROO: Hold It! [Everyone stops fighting.] We're here to get help,
remember? [He steps down to the ground. General Hawk?
BUCKAROO: I'm Buckaroo Banzai, and we've got a problem.
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 48. Exterior Shot. The streets of Washington, D.C. A red MG drives by
and the camera follows as it weaves through traffic. In the driver's seat
is a gentleman in a three piece suit. Sitting next to him is a woman in her
mid-30's, long hair flowing in the wind, and wearing a semi-hip flowerprint
outfit. Another man sits stiffly in the 'back seat'. His perfectly combed
hair is not affected by the wind. His facial expression does not change from
the bland, straight ahead look he wears. The car weaves through traffic,
passing a few monuments just so we can be sure it is our nation's capital.
It passes a police car which is parking, and which rams into three garbage
cans. The MG continues on and drives into a parked moving van. The three
people--Maxwell Smart, Agent 99, and Hymie--get out of the MG and move to
the front of the van.]
HYMIE: What are we doing here, Max?
MAX: Hymie, this is the secret entrance to Control's Secret
Laboratory. Just beneath our feet, today's top scientists
are working to defeat KAOS.
99: How can they put the entrance to Control's Lab in a moving
MAX: Because, 99, a Yugo would be too small. Actually, it's not
always a moving van, sometimes it's a diaper delivery service
truck, or a UPS van. [He stoops to knock on the floor of
the van.] Now, where is that panel. Ah. [He taps on the
floor--dum, da da da dum, (Shave and a haircut) Suddenly,
Roger Rabbit appears out of nowhere.]
ROGER: Two Bits!
MAX: Wrong Panel. [He bends down again, and taps again. This time
two taps are returned and the panel opens. A man dressed
similarly to Max pokes his head through.] Agent 44, how are
44: Just fine, come on in, Max.
[The four of them descend through the hole.]
[Scene change. Interior Shot. A small chamber. A ladder leads up and a steel
door is to the left. Five people are here--Max, Agent 44, Agent 99, Hymie,
and a guy wearing clown makeup.]
MAX: (whispers to 44) How is he today?
44: (whispers back) OK, he's a bit irrational, but mostly constant.
MAX: [Walking to the guy in the clown makeup.] How goes it
[He looks up at Max, squeezes his nose twice and it honks like a horn.]
MAX: Glad to hear it. [to 44] May we go in.
44: Oh, sure, Go ahead.
[He sits down. Max, 99, and Hymie go through the steel door.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. A large, white room. Many tables are stocked
with scientific and technological devices. As the three agents enter,
they are greeted by a short, bald man in a white lab coat and green face.
His assistant Beeker is nearby.]
Dr. HONEYDEW: Hello, Agent 86. How can I help you?
MAX: Well, Dr. Honeydew, I'd like to hear your findings on that
tape the television station sent over.
Dr. HONEYDEW: Oh, that was very interesting, come this way. [They
walk across the lab, a plate of fruit sits on a table,
as they walk by it, Bunsen picks up the plate.] Care
for a prune?
MAX: Uh, no thanks.
HYMIE: I'd love a prune, Doctor. [He takes one and pops it in his
Dr. HONEYDEW: Anyone else? [He puts the plate down.] Here we are. I used
the Muppet Labs computer to analyzer the tape we received.
From the evidence presented in the video, the leader of the
World Crime League looks like this.
[He pressesa button on a nearby computer console and a picture of Grover
appears on the screen.]
99: Doctor, are you sure that this is what 'Deep Voice' looks
Dr. HONEYDEW: I'd stake Beeker's life on it.
BEEKER: MEEP! Meep, meep! [Gets panicky.]
MAX: OK, so we'll look for someone who looks like a furry, blue
monster. Come on, we've got work to do.
[Max, 99, and Hymie leave. Dr. Honeydew turns to the computer and switches
it until Zigfried appears.]
Dr. HONEYDEW: Smart bought the story.
ZIGFRIED: Goot! You vill be revarded, Doctor. Out.
[Scene 49. Interior Shot. Control Room of the TARDIS. The Doctor and
Romana monitor opposite ends of the control column, while Adric, Leela
and K-9 stand near the screen. All stare at the screen, which shows
something most unusual and unexpected. The screen displays a lush, green,
tropical swamp. Three striped mattresses lay squirming in the muck.]
ADRIC: What is it Doctor?
DOCTOR: If I didn't know better, I'd say we're in the tropical swamps
of Squornshellous Zeta, but that can't be.
LEELA: Why can't it, Doctor?
DOCTOR: This show isn't that silly.
ROMANA: In any case, it is not the desert of the southwestern
United States, which means we've misjumped.
DOCTOR: Yee-eees. Well, it must be a result of all the amateur
time jumping in that area. But, we can't get back until we
know where we are, can we?
LEELA: Doctor, look!
[The Doctor turns to look at the screen. A rather down-at-the-heels robot
hobbles onto the screen.]
DOCTOR: Oh, my...[pause] Let's get out of here.
LEELA: What is it?
DOCTOR: It's a robot, the most dangerous one ever made.
ROMANA: But, surely he can't harm the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: He's probably the one thing that can.
ADRIC: Doctor, you said we couldn't leave here until we knew where
DOCTOR: [getting irritated.] It's Squornshellous ZETA!
ROMANA: You said that was impossible.
DOCTOR: Never mind what I said, *SET COORDINATES*!
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. A murky, tropical swamp somewhere on
Sqournshellouz Zeta. Sitting in the muck is a blue, London Police
Box. A scarred and ancinet robot sloshes up to the box while mattresses
flollop in the background.]
MARVIN: Oh, dear, an obstacle of some kind. [Looks up at the box.]
I don't suppose you could move aside. [pause] I only
ask because my directional circuits have shorted and I cannot
go around you. [pause] I know you don't want to speak with
me, nobody does. [pause] I really am having a dreadful time,
I have this pain in all the diodes down my left side. [pause,
a whirring sound is heard.] Really, it's dreadful, here I am
brain the size of a planet...[the TARDIS dissolves away.] I
knew you didn't want to speak to me. [He walks off and promptly
gets one leg stuck in the mud. He starts walking in circles.]
[Scene 50. Interior Shot. Close-up of a television screen. It displays the
MTV logo. It then switches to a close-up of Downtown Julie Brown, she begins
JULIE: I'm Downtown Julie Brown for MTV with what's hot, and what's
not. Here's what's hot!
[The screen changes to show the inside of a garage. Speakers and amps are
piled everywhere. Behind a drum set, painted on the wall is 'Wyld Stallyns'
A keyboard is off to the side. A blond, teenage boy holding a cool guitar
fills the screen.]
BILL: I'm Bill S Preston, Esquire [He strums the guitar.]
[The camera pans until it shows a black-haired boy much like Bill in
TED: [strums guitar.] And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.
[Ted points off screen. The "camera" follows his arm until it shows to
girls, a brunette and a redhead, dressed in savory outfits and looking
TED: And they're the babes!
[Ted and Bill move onto the screen.]
BILL & TED: And we're all, Wyld Stallyns!
[The real camera pans backward, and we see the group called Wyld Stallyns
sitting on a couch watching TV.]
BILL: Most triumphant, Ted, dude. Where'd you get the MTV footage?
TED: I taped it at home, then I had Deacon use that tape while
filming us. OH wait, here's the best part.
BILL: Oh, by the way, that's Eddie Van Halen.
[He points, and the "camera" swings to show a life-size cutout of the rock
BILL & TED: Excellent! [They air guitar.]
VOICE: Your playing has improved, my excellent friends.
[Bill & Ted turn to see Rufus standing in front of a phone booth.]
BILL & TED: Rufus!
[They rush to stand with him.]
RUFUS: Hello, again.
BILL: You look bummed, dude.
TED: Yeah, what's wrong?
RUFUS: There's something wrong in the future.
TED: Isn't Wyld Stallyns music the basis of your civilization?
RUFUS: Not any more. You see, while you guys were zooming around
the cosmos, it attracted the attention of some real bad
dudes, and now, we have to stop them.
BILL: Most non-triumphant, dude.
TED: How can we help?
RUFUS: I need you to come back in time with me to stop them.
BILL & TED: Excellent!
TED: We'll be back, babes.
[They enter the phone booth and all three disappear.]
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Copyright 1991 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media, International
Distributed September 1991 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI
Special Thanks for video research go to:
God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo
"If we can't find it, you don't want it!"
DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
(Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)
All groups mentioned in this .signature are pseudo-real groups that represent
Derek Bacon, and are owned by him. Ecce Homo Ergo Elk. The copyright is his.
Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to email@example.com
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Last Modified: 05/31/1998 14:36:51