Our Story So Far:
None you idiot, this is the first batch!
__ __ _____ _____ ______
/ // // ___// ___// __ /
/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // / / /
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 1. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. The familiar outline of a disc-shaped
ship with three cigar-shaped pontoons attached to it, moves into view. As
the ship moves, we see it is coming into orbit above a planet that looks
surprisingly like the familiar shots of earth from space that we all have
grown to recognize. All of the lines in this scene are actually, voice-overs.]
KIRK: Space, the final fronteir,
PICARD: these are the voyages of the starship, Enterprise,
KIRK: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait a minute! Spock,...what...is...that voice?
SPOCK: It appears to be the sound of someone interrupting your
KIRK: My solili-what?
SPOCK: Your opening monologue, sir.
KIRK: My which-a-logue?
SPOCK: Your speech! sir.
KIRK: Oh, yes, well...who...is interrupting...me?
SPOCK: It would appear to be that balding gentleman at the far end of
the sound stage.
KIRK: (puzzled) You mean the one in the leotard?
PICARD: This is the uniform of a Captain of Starfleet, NOT a leotard!
KIRK: Well, it looks like it's made out of nylon.
PICARD: This is SPANDEX!(tm).
KIRK: Oh, well, is it comfortable? It doesn't look it.
PICARD: Well, not actually, but...
KIRK: Why do you wear it then?
PICARD: (arrogant again) It's a Starfleet uniform.
SPOCK: (clears his throat) Captain, this is all very interesting, but
we have been on orbital approach to this planet for far too
long already. We cannot complete our orbit until somebody
finishes the opening. Moreover, the movie cannot start until
PICARD: The Vulcan has a point. I shall continue.
KIRK: Just a minute, you unknown, British, Shakespearian, actor...
PICARD: Why you swaggering, over-acting tyrant.
[Sounds of a struggle ensue as the two begin to fight.]
BIG BIRD: Hey, wait a minute. [Struggle sounds stop.]
KIRK: Spock,...what is...that thing?
BONES: Why is everything we don't understand always called a thing?
KIRK: Shut up Bones, I don't want to deal with you right now. Spock?
SPOCK: It appears to be a giant, yellow, talking bird, Captain.
KIRK: Well,...what should we...do...about it?
SPOCK: Logic would dictate that we listen to what it has to say.
BIG BIRD: I was over at the next soundstage, filming Sesame Street (aside,
to camera) on Public Television, check local listings for time
and station, (back to KIRK, etc..) when I heard you fighting.
I think I can help. Why don't you cooperate?
PICARD: (submissively, already trying to surrender) You mean, we should
both read the opening monologue?
BIG BIRD: Yeah! That's called cooperation!
PICARD: Well, Kirk?
KIRK: (grudgingly) OK. (stage whisper to Spock) Where were we?
SPOCK: (out loud, missing all subtlety) These are the voya...
KIRK: These are the voyages of the Starship, Enterprise.
PICARD: It's continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds,
KIRK: to seek out new life, and new civilizations,
PICARD & KIRK: To boldy go, where no one has gone before.
[Scene 2. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. The old Enterprise finishes its orbital
approach while the new Enterprise (1701-D) leaves orbit. The camera follows
the new ship as it flies out of the solar system. It enters warp speed
near an asteroid field. The camera pans around the field, and the
asteroids begin to form letters. Eventually, the following words
float by in a familiar fashion:
Are We Having Fun Yet?
The EMPIRE, under the leadership of the newest
dark Jedi, KARTH GATOR, is gathering their forces
at the edge of the galaxy. Preparing to assault
a new fronteir, a whole new galaxy and conquer
new worlds. The EMPEROR spends much time in the
throne room inside the newly-built, DRECK STAR,
preparing for the carnage he is about to wreak.
Meanwhile, the REBEL ALLIANCE has developed
into a triumvirate ruled by LUKE SKYWALKER,
representing the pseudo-religous Jedis; PRINCESS
LEIA, representing the governments of the alliance;
and HAN SOLO, representing the privateers. Each
of them are dedicated to stopping the EMPIRE.
The letters float off into the distance. An Imperial Tie-Fighter roars by.
The camera follows the fighter as it approaches a large, pyramid shaped
structure. In the area are several Imperial Battleships.]
[Scene 3. Interior Shot. Emperor's Throne Room. The room is large, but
unusually dark, and mostly empty. There is also a marked lack of droids
of any kind. The throne is on a large dais at one end of the room. A video
screen shows an exterior view of space. An old, wrinkledman sits on the
throne. He is dressed in only a black robe.]
[A beeping sound is heard.]
EMPEROR: (gesturing) Come.
[A large powered door opens up, letting in some light.]
GIZMO: (from Gremlins, in a cameo appearance) Bright light! Bright
STRIPE: (also from Gremlins, also a cameo) Gizmo, ka ka! [Kicks Gizmo
out of the scene, laughs, and disappears.]
[Karth Gator, dressed very like Darth Vader used to be, except that his
helmet looks somewhat like an outback hat, enters. He kneels.]
KARTH: My liege.
EMPEROR: Rise, and report.
KARTH: Everything goes as planned. The last of the attack force is
assembling. Triangulation settins are locked on target. The
invasion grows near.
EMPEROR: Excellent. What is our first target?
KARTH: A planet known as Terra, an insignificant planet really, but
useful as a base of operations. Interception of their own
information broadcasts indicate that thier civilization has
been all but destroyed by an attack of giant monsters.
EMPEROR: Show me.
[Karth pulls out a remote control. One of the early ones, that were very
big and had very few functions. He aims the control at a convenient wall,
pushes a button, and nothing happens. Karth looks at the control, and
bangs it with the top of his hand.]
KARTH: Damn it, Ziggy!
[He bangs on the remote some more, while it makes Pac-man noises. He aims
and clicks again. This time it works, an old Godzilla movie is displayed.
He is happily trashing Tokyo, breathing electric fire, the usual monster
GODZILLA: Aaauuaaaannnnnnggggghhhha (approximation of Godzilla's roar)
EMPEROR: Excellent! Turn it off.
[Karth is about to comply when a beeping noise interrupts, and an Imperial
officer appears on the screen.]
OFFICER: Excuse me, my liege, but a border scout reports that a rebel
ship is spying on our location.
KARTH: Destroy it!
EMPEROR: Hold! Let it go.
OFFICER: Yes, milord. [Screen goes blank.]
EMPEROR: No doubt, you wonder at my decision, Gator.
KARTH: Yes, my lord.
EMPEROR: I want the Alliance to know of our invasion plans. I need
the Jedi, Luke Skywalker (Karth shudders at the mention of
the name of the killer of so many of his predecessors) to
come to me. I shall finally convert him to the dark side
of the Force. Now go, prepare the fleet.
[Karth exits, as the door closes behind him, the camera focuses on the black
door. The following words fade into existence on the center of the screen:
At the Universe three doors down and to the right.
Scene 4. Interior Shot. Dr. Hans Zarkov's Rocketship. The interior is a
cylindrically shaped room with couches around the outside wall. Three people
sit equally spaced around the center, belted in firmly. They are Dr Hans
Zarkov, formally of NASA; Flash Gordon, former pro quarterback; and Dale
Arden, reporter, and former high school cheerleader. Near Dale's head is
a portal, and outside, the sky is pink. The three are forced against the
wall, and Flash's foot is holding down a large red pedal. The room is shaking.]
ZARKOV: Flash! You must keep your foot on that pedal, or else!
FLASH: Or else what?
ZARKOV: It would be bad.
VENKMANN (Peter Venkmann appearing out of nowhere) I'm a little fuzzy on
this whole good/bad thing.
ZARKOV: or else we wouldn't achieve escape velocity, we would miss our
chance to enter the worm hole, and be trapped in this dimension
FLASH: (thinking of Ming's daughter, the princess) Well, that wouldn't
be so pad.
ZARKOV: With no video games!
FLASH: (coming to his senses) Right! [He presses harder on the pedal.]
[Exterior Shot. Dr Zarkov's ship looks junkier from the outside than the
inside. It is flying through the air, obviously hung from a string with
sparkler effects coming out the back. Two (2) of Ming's high-tech ships
(high-tech meaning they have tail fins and no string) are giving chase. One
fires a laser (did I forget to mention armed to the teeth?) at the
junkpile. It misses the ship, barely.]
PILOT #1: Enemy Bogey over Ming Station-1, Please Identify yourself.
Enemy Bogey, Identify.
[Just then the worm hole appears and Zarkov's ship files into it.]
V-O PILOT 1: Foxtrot Tango 1 to Ming Station. Bogey has entered worm hole.
Request permission to pursue.
V-O CMDR 1: Permission granted. Dispatch Warlock and Ajax, to bring back
[The two high-tech ships bank and enter the wormhole just as it disappears.]
[Scene 5. Exterior Shot. A white hole can most easily be described as the
complete opposite of a black hole. Theoretically then, a white hole would
repel everything. It would be an intense concentration of anti-gravitons,
pushing away everything, including each other. Scientists have postulated
that a white hole would be at the other end of a black hole. The only
problem is, no one has seen either one of them. Add to this the fact that
a white hole, if it existed, would destroy itself immeadiately by repelling
itself makes the whole thing completely preposterous. So while a black
hole, reamining undiscovered, is an intellectual curiosity, a white hole
cannot possibly exist and is merely ludicrous. This then, is a gray hole.
Somewhere between a white hole & a black hole. You may consider it something
almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a black hole. It swirls debris in a
spiral pattern around itself. Suddenly, from out of the center, a junkpile
of a rocketship shoots out. It is followed by two (2) high-techrockets. The
ship streaks across the sky towards a blue police box spinning on it's
central axis. The junky rocket brushes past the box causing it to spin
more wildly. The other two ships bursh by as well, knocking in into a spin
even more wild, and reckless spin motions. The ships continue on, while
the police box tumbles toward the grey hole.]
[Scene 6. Interior Shot. TARDIS Main Control Chamber. The Doctor (played
by Tom Baker) and Lady Romanadveratrelundar are holding onto the console.
Leela, Adric, & K-9 huddle in a corner.]
DOCTOR: Romana! We must try to stabilize the TARDIS! We're tumbling
directly toward that grey hole!
ROMANA: I'm trying, Doctor, but it isn't easy with us shaking
about like this. Can't you adjust the architectural
configuration circuits to get this room under control,
DOCTOR: I can't. Not without my sonic screwdriver!
ROMANA: Well, that's in the storage closet!
DOCTOR: I know, but I can't get their with the room shaking this way!
ROMANA: That is why you need to adjust the architectural configuration
DOCTOR: And that's why you need to stabilize the TARDIS!
ROMANA: Right. [She pushes some buttons, moves some dials, suddenly
the room stops shaking.]
ADRIC: Good going, Romana, you did it!
ROMANA: I'm afraid not.
LEELA: What do you mean?
DOCTOR: She means that, the TARDIS has passed the event horizon
threshold of the grey hole and we're now frozen in time and
ROMANA: Not exactly.
DOCTOR: (looking puzzled) Well, what do you mean then?
ROMANA: I mean that it is just 12:00 and the cameraman went on
lunch break, so he stopped shaking the camera.
ADRIC: So, what does this mean?
ROMANA: It means, we're safe...for the time being.
DOCTOR: It also means we're without BBC coverage, K-9?
K-9: Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Can you control the camera remotely for us?
K-9: Yes, Doctor.
[The room begins to shake again.]
DOCTOR: Good Dog, K-9.
ROMANA: [Pretends to make some adjustments to the console.] There,
I've stopped the tumble.
[The room stops shaking.]
DOCTOR: Good, now what caused that?
ROMANA: Viewscreen on.
[All turn to look at the screen. It shows Zarkov's ship and Ming's two (2)
ships chasing it.]
LEELA: That's what caused all the trouble?
DOCTOR: It appears that way, Leela. Romana, where are they going?
ROMANA: Computing. (to herself) What's the integral of (4x-3) raised
to the -1 dx.
ADRIC: (overhearing) one-fourth the natural log of the absolute value
ROMANA: Right. Here's where they're headed.
[The viewscreen changes, showing a familiar, blue-green planet.]
DOCTOR: Well, then, set course for Nexus Point Earth.
[Scene 7. Exterior Shot. The Enterprise (1701-A) is in orbit around a
familiar, Class M planet. We begin with a voice-over.]
KIRK: Captain's Log. Stardate 314159.7. Upon returning from the
center of the galaxy, we discovered that, for reasons
unknown, the Federation had been wiped from existence.
Spock surmised that 'God' may have done something to
prevent it from ever existing. Scanning Enterprise history
records, Spock found, what he believes is the key moment
in time that must have been altered. We are now going to
attempt time warp back to old Earth date, 1965...
[Scene change. Interior Shot. The Enterprise bridge. Spock is at the science
station; Uhura, communications; Sulu, helm; Chekov, navigation; Rand,
environmental engineering; Kirk has the conn; McCoy as usual, is leaning
against the railing.]
KIRK: Kirk out. [Closes log and hands it to a passing ensign.]
Spock, are your calculations,...finished?
SPOCK: Routing to engineering and navigation, now, Captain.
KIRK: (Opening a channel) Scotty, how soon can you be ready?
SCOTTY: (over intercom) I dinna ken, Captain. Perhaps 2 hours....
KIRK: (wincing in concentration) 2 hours divided by four, 2 hours
divided by four...
SPOCK: One half-hour, Captain.
KIRK: You have a half-hour, Mr Scott!
SCOTTY: (over intercom) Aye, Captain. Alright, ye lazy bums, get
moving! Run that drill over there...
KIRK: (cutting off intercom) Uhura, give me an intraship channel.
UHURA: You're on Public Access Channel 7, Captain.
KIRK: Attention Enterprise Crew-rew-rew, (echo effect :)
Captain Kirk speaking-king-ing. We have emerged
from the field at the center of the galaxy-axy-xy, to
find that the Federation has been wiped-iped-ped from
existence-ence-nce. We are [Throughout this monologue,
scenes from all over the ship should be played. Examples:
2 crewmen chasing each other down the corridor, a karate
exposition, 2 crew persons necking, a pillow fight, i.e.
No one should be paying any attention to Kirk] about to
attempt Time Warp-warp-arp. Be advised-ised-sed, at this
time-ime-ime. I'd like to say-ay-ay, that today-day-ay, I
consider myself-elf-elf, to be the luckiest captain-tain-tain,
on the face of the earth-earth-earth. [Makes a motion to cut
UHURA: Channel closed sir.
KIRK: I think the crew enjoys it when I...get down...verbally,
don't you Spock?
SPOCK: (raising one eyebrow) Indubitably, Captain. Indubitably.
[Spock turns to his console. Camera focuses on screen. It turns out that
the ship's computer is a UNIX machine.]
[Scene 8. Interior Shot. Bridge Computer screen. The following appears
on the screen:
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.sex.vulcan-ears
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.murder.overacting.captains
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: soc.vulcan.death.grip
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork
(Revising soft pointers--be patient.)
Unread news in alt.hypercube 4 articles
Unread news in alt.horta.language 15 articles
Unread news in alt.mind-meld 9 articles
Moving bogus newsgroups to end of your .newsrc.
Delete bogus newsgroups? [ny] y
******** 4 unread articles in alt.hypercube--read now? [ynq] g rec.arts.paperclip-bending
******** 0 unread articles in rec.arts.paperclip-bending--read now? [ynq] n
******** 314,345,965,218 unread articles in rec.arts.startrek--read now? [ynq]y
Article 93587612495 in rec.arts.startrek:
Summary: Move over Parody, here's something even lamer!
Refrences: <2345 Mar firstname.lastname@example.org>
Organization: Answers, Bought And Sold
In article <2345Mar12.email@example.com> firstname.lastname@example.org (His
Most Gracious God) writes:
>Unarguably, this is the most horrible piece of trash ever written. I
>challenge anyone to find something more poorly written than this.
And I quote,
'Glurbitoodledum/a word nonsensical/
in meaning, yet chock full o'/vowels.
Unlike syzygy/with meaning yet/vowels
none./The depth of/the universe/in a
blink of a frog's nostril./They fluglehorn
-Death of an Indigent Cow
by James D Quentin
You owe me a large work of poetry by the great masters.
End of Article 93587612495 (of 314345965218)--what next? [npq] q
******** End of newsgroups--what next? [npq] q
[Scene 9. Interior Shot. A plush, wood-paneled boardroom. A long, black
table takes up a large portion of the room. Nine chairs are placed around
the table. One is obviously occupied, by a man dressed in black, stroking
what appears to be a white cat. It is hard to be certain, for the chair keeps
its back to the camera. The other chairs are empty, but each is labeled with
a small sign at its place. The signs read: KAOS, Cobra, Latvia, Red Lektroids,
Red Headed League, Syndicate, Lex Luthor Inc, Dimension X. The camera should
pan around the table, making sure each sign can be read. Finally, the camera
focuses on a set of double doors, and we hear a buzzing noise. The buzzing
is answered by a raspy voice.]
SECRETARY: The gentlemen you summoned are here to see you now. They don't
look very happy.
VOICE: Send them in.
[The doors open and in walk the leaders of every major crime organization in
the world. For the syndicate, Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin; for Latvia, Dr.
Victor von Doom, Dr. Emilio Lizardo/John Whorfin of the Red Lektroids;
Hanz Zigfrid, leader of KAOS; Professor Moriarity, the criminal genius;
Cobra Commander; Lex Luthor, of Lex Luthor, Inc.; and Krang, supremde ruler
of Dimension X, and a disembodied brain. They walk in and sit in their
respective seats. None of them are happy to be there.]
VOICE: (still not turning around) I suppose you men are wondering
why I called you here.
KRANG: The thought had crossed me. [Mutters of approval from the
VOICE: With the exception of myself, you eight represent the
greatest criminal minds in the world.
KINGPIN: (interrupting) Who are you anyway?
VOICE: Who I am, is not important right now. What I can give you is.
DOOM: And what is that?
VOICE: Organization. Cooperation among each other. Each of you is
great at what you do, but in many areas you overlap. I'm
surprised you haven't wiped each other out in competition
already. [The men begin to protest, but a raised hand quickly
quiets them.] Kingin, you're organization is superb, but
how much more could they accomplish with access to weapons
like Dr. Doom's. Doom, your robots are incredibly advanced,
but can only be programmed so well. Krang, your mutant creation
capacity is incredible, but you don't really know what kind
of mutants to make. Mr. Luthor could tell you this, and
Luthor, what could you do with an army of super-powered
mutants at your command? Zigfrid and Cobra Commander, your
terrorist actions are impressive, but could be increased
exponentially if you joined forces and coordinated. Moriarity,
your world wide network of miscreants and hoodlums is a force
to reckon with, but lacks direction. I think Dr. Lizardo could
provide them with that, Eh, Emilio?
LIZARDO: We could crush those Blue Blazer Irregulars like the bugs
that they are!
VOICE: Gentlemen, I think we can see that each of you has something
to offer the others, those that I mentioned are only the
tip of the iceberg. I propose we form a World Crime League,
to coordinate our actions, and bring the world under our power.
Now, shall we get to business?
[Scene 10. Interior Shot. A lounge or study of some kind. The floor is
done in red, plush carpeting. Downstage right is a small table with an
old-style, black telephone on it. Midstage left is a canopy style bed
with the curtains drawn, although someone is clearly lying in it. The
walls are covered mostly with books and paintings. Upstage center is a
door which bursts open. In walks a person dressed in a 'Phantom of the
Opera' costume. He whips off the mask and is revealed to be Lieutenant
DATA: My friend, [rushes to the bed] I came as soon as I heard.
VOICE: (from Bed) It is...rejection...My public has rejected me.
My wound...is of the...soul. I die, and so, I flail.
[It becomes obvious that the person lying on the bed is flailing.]
DATA: I would give anything to save you, my friend. My money,
my fame, my very life!
VOICE: Your part in 'Phantom of the Opera'?
[The figure in the bed whips off the covers and bounds out of bed. It's Jon
Lovitz, as Master Thespian!]
THESPIAN: I feel better.
DATA: But, you were dying?
MT: Acting! [Throws arm up in a trademark way]
DATA: You fooled me.
MT: Thank you. [Bows.]
DATA: [Confused for a moment, then suddenly inspired.] Ring, ring.
[Crosses to the phone and answers it.] Hello. [waits.]
It's for you.
MT: Thank you. [Crosses to the phone and takes it, Data steps
MT: Who is this?
DATA: The studio.
MT: What do you want?
DATA: 'Phantom of the Opera' has been cancelled.
MT: Oh no, [Begins to swoon] Say it isn't so, Joe.
DATA: [Steps forward] It is not
DATA: It was me.
MT: You fooled me...
DATA: Acting! [Sweeps arm up]
DATA: Thank you. [Bows.]
PICARD: Computer, stop program. [Walks into the scene] Data, what
DATA: I discovered a new role model for my acting attempts in the
computer files. His name is Jon Lovitz, also known as Master
Thespian. Is he not an appropriate role model?
PICARD: No, Data, not really.
[The ship suddenly shakes horrendously. Suddenly, Picard and Data are
wearing different outfits. While obviously not costumes, they aren't
uniforms either. Data is in a white, utility, body suit, while Picard
wears a pair of black pants, a grey trenchcoat, and a hat.]
PICARD: What was that?
DATA: I do not know, sir.
PICARD: To the bridge.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Copyright 1991 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media, International
Distributed September 1991 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI
Special Thanks for video research go to:
God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo
"If we can't find it, you don't want it!"
DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
(Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)
Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to email@example.com
Next Chapter or Back to the Index
Last Modified: 05/31/1998 14:32:25